Emotions running HIGH!!

Kids are back to school and Kiley's first birthday is 2 days away....my heart is screaming!! For the past month i have been a cry baby! I don't know whats up! I've been hurting so much over my children's hearing loss.....I think it has a lot to do with Ethan's transition to a new class and watching Kiley's (Charlie as the family calls her) language improve.. You would think all this would make me happy and it does...but in a crazy way it also makes me upset...I am this control freak who has to have everything her way and I have NO CONTROL over this....I cant make it better with a kiss and I can't give them medicine to cure it. Everyone wants nothing but the best for their children and most of us do everything in our power to give them the tools to accomplish this...But, imagine not having the tools to give them or having to give up your entire life to find the tools that will better serve them....This all seems petty I'm sure, but I'm exhausted and I feel like a failure because I had great potential to be something they could look up to....I mean i look back on my life and I think to myself man I hope my kids have that drive I had and in some ways I still have..I'm still in college and I want to get a masters but at this time that's not financially feasible.

When we have children we want to give them in my case everything we didn't have and so much more! But we live off one income and we rent a town home that my family is outgrowing rather fast, I have a car that we pay way too much for and on top of that 3 children 2 of whom need hearing aids and all the expenses that comes with hearing loss. Its depressing when I have to make the decision do I buy gas for school the next day or do I buy milk....its frustrating!


I have been crying so much and I can't explain it to anyone because after all like my father says "it's just a hearing loss ...its not life threatening and just think they could be born with out one of their limbs" Who says this?? People who know Nothing about hearing loss and how difficult (not impossible) it is for ppl with hearing loss to become "successful." It's kinda like THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!! stomp my feet and throw a tantrum! Oh the joys of motherhood!

Emergency Surgery......

So I didn't have a ulcer at all!! WTF! I could no longer take the pain and all the Doctor would do was prescribe me pills that didn't work!! He wasn't understanding that I was in PAIN!! I couldn't function----He ran 1 test and it showed that my liver test were extremely high..(normal 20/40 mine 480/560) He scheduled me a ultra sound but I was not going to wait another week...so my stubborn self went in to the radiology department of his office told them my situation and they squeezed me in..hahah...I was laying there and the lady asked me do you have a surgeon....I said "WHAT!!! what do u mean" She said she couldn't tell me cuz she wasn't the Dr. I told her u better tell me I feel like I'm going to die s some one better give me some answers! My Gull bladder had over 1000 stones which was causing all the pain and vomiting!!They rushed me to the E.R. where my husband was waiting....he was so scared!! Next thing I know they doped me up and the next morning they were preparing me for surgery....I had 3 c sections that were quite difficult but NOTHING felt as horrible as this!! I lost 17 pounds in less then 3 weeks...I'm feeling better now..thank GOD!! but I need to have 1 more small surgery to remove a stone that's lodge in my liver.

Ulcer...eeewwww!

So I went to the Dr. today and we think I have a peptic ulcer in my tummy....Which is why I cant hold down anything and my tummy hurts so BAD! I go back tomorrow for some more testing- I thought I just had some sort of virus from the kiddos- I was WRONG!! well....Kinda...It started off like a flu bug but then I started dropping weight....I lost 5 lbs. in 5 days---Don't get me wrong I definitely can afford to loose a few pounds but not in a unhealthy painful way!

So I should be getting ready to go to my in-laws 33rd wedding anniversary party....But I'm so sick I cant get my butt up to get moving!! I think well just make an appearance and head home-I feel like crap! I cant keep anything down! YUCKY!!! Little Matt is so amazed by me vomiting..it's gross!! He stays at the bathroom door and yells "I wanna see mom" while my sweet Ethan is saying "momma..OK?" I hate this and wish it would just go away! OK I guess I should get my booty moving now!

J Santa Cruz

My kids got me sick!

My kids have been sick for almost a week and now they passed it on down to me!! Thanks!! They missed their last week of summer school because they were sick and now I am!!


I have been dealing with the choices I have chosen for my kids. First I wanted them to have access to ASL and then we started going to the Oral school and Ethan's language just kept progressing. He's now 3 and has great language skills- However Kiley who is 10 months, her language isn't age appropriate and I know that sounds silly but children at this age should understand "NO" and be able to babble mama and dada. Kiley was doing so great until she got all that fluid backed up in her ears and had to have the tubes put in. I thought I would see a big improvement after the surgery but that hasn't been the case. I have been implementing ASL to all 3 of the kids and they seem to get it! Kiley does the sign for mama and I love it!!! I know she will be able to speak later on but right now I am worried about right now!!

I have had this back and forth tug of war type of fight in my head. I am doing the right thing for my children by having them in a Oral school which doesn't use ASL?? This is a ongoing battle in my head.. There are times when I feel like I am robbing them of something they are entitled to -ASL is so much easier to teach and learn for these children who have limited access to sound-- I have spent 10 months teaching Kiley how to say Mamamama and daddada and in a few weeks she was able to sign it and I am pretty sure she understands the meaning of it. I point to pictures say, mama and do the sign with her. I am going to continue this but I also want to stay at the Oral school - I think of it like this ---- there are children who use Spanish at home but in the classroom the teachers speak English----I have been reading post after post and researching everything I read one article that said that children who use C/I get at least 70% of whats going on in a typical classroom...well, my children have hearing in the severe range and wear hearing aids...My guess would be that they get 30% if they are in preferred seating and utilizing an FM system... That's CRAP!! I am going to school for speech pathology but I think I may switch up and do Deaf Ed. Everyone has their own way that they think is right---do I choose oralisim or ASL I cant take a side because one shoe size doesn't always fit and the side I am choosing is the one that I think best fits our particular situation. Give them both!!


Janice

another day in paradise!!

I am at home board out of my mind on a saturday night!! what is this? Matt got called in so I am stuck home with the babies who are fast asleep~ I feel like going swimming but there are rules against swimming in the pool after nine! I have plenty of house work that needs to be taken care of but, thats not what I feel like doing! oooohhh you know what would be a perfect way of spending my saturday night.....DaNcInG!!! shaking my "tail feathers" whooooohhhooo!!! yeah thats not happening!! oh a day in the life of the janmaster J!!

4 fire men and 3 medics!!

Today I sent the boys to grandmas because Kiley had a ENT appointment after the appointment Kiley and I went to lunch at my old work place and then headed home to do some much needed house work. I walked inside, changed the baby, made her a bottle and put her to sleep in her crib as I cleaned the house. I got the whole first floor finished when she awoke form her nap. I brought her down stairs and began making dinner. My huband came home from work and I asked him to pick up the boys from grandmas house. when he left I had put kiley down on the ottoman so I could turn down the heat from the oven and take out the chicken. The next thing you know a HUGE BUMP!! Kiley rolled off the ottoman and on to the floor. she scree med and cried I held her tight and tried to comfort her as I began to cry she nodded out again and again...I was hitting her face and screaming as loud as I could because during all the commotion her hearing aids had come off... "KILEY"...."KILEY" I screamed as she came in and out her breathing pattern changed from breathing really hard from crying to really soft like sleeping...I dialed 911 and had to press 1 for an emergency I told the operator what happen he had to transfer me to the medical line...I told the lady what happened she told me to calm down and not to move the baby I told her "too late I'm holding her and if I stop hitting her she will knock out" she said "continue hitting her and stay calm"...after like 3 minutes in walks 4 fireman and 3 medics into my nice clean house and my daughter at this point is fine! I forgot I put brownies in the oven and as they are taking care of her one of the hansom men point out that my brownies smell good I told him "they're probably burning" he went into the kitchen and checked on them and told me they looked fine!! They all left after Kiley came to and was fine. My husband walked up to the house as everyone was leaving the nice fireman assures him that everything is fine!!!

My life in a nutshell!

I always knew I would one day be a wife, mom, bill payer, taxi driver, and ruler of the house. But I didn't realize that it would happen so fast!! I moved out of my parents house the day I turned 18 and shortly after I was in my own home and married to my high school sweet heart and had my first child at 19 Little Matt. I was in labor for 6 hours and then they realized he was breached so we had a emergency c-section this was scary because I only heard bad things about this but on the other hand I didn't want no more pain. When my 1st was born he had to stay 2 extra weeks in the NICU because he was premature. I was unable to see him or hold him for the first 2 days due to my fever. THIS SUCKED!!! He was big for his age but was unable to suck on a bottle, once he got that down everything was smooth sailing and pretty typical. On Little Matt's first birthday we found out we were having our 2ND we then found out it was another boy!!! we were excited!!! I was 6 months pregnant and knew something about this pregnancy wasn't right, everything was different. I went to the hospital a couple of times because he wasn't moving - The doctors all said he was fine and everything was typical. The morning Ethan was born it took 45 minutes from my water breaking to then having another emergency c section to then holding my baby!! I remember praying to god that everything would be fine and that he would be a healthy big boy and he was!!! I was in the hospital on day 2 of Ethan's life and found out that he had a hearing loss. This was heart breaking and I thought the doctors were quacks!! because no one on either side of our families had a hearing loss. 3 weeks later we got a diagnostic test done that said he had a severe sensironural hearing loss in both ears. the lady told us that he could use hearing aids and everything would be fine, we enrolled him in school and began taking ASL classes. The teachers and personal from the "Special" school he was attending said he would most likely NEVER SPEAK. I took him from that program that wasn't helping him to acquire speech to a auditory Oral school that's a hour in a half away from where I live that teaches him how to speak and lestion that I drive to daily! After Ethan had been at this school only a few months we found out we were pregnant yet again!! At this point we had no clue what caused Ethan's hearing loss and had no plans on finding out-we figured there was no point because we knew it wouldn't change anything. However, we needed to know if there was a chance that this baby would have a hearing loss. We got genetically tested and found out that my husband and I both have a gene that together has a 25% chance of hearing loss in every pregnancy we have. At about 6 months along with baby number 3 a girl I KNEW she had a hearing loss!! Kiley and Ethan's pregnancy's were so different from little Matt's but identical to one another. When Kiley was born the tested her and sure enough she has a hearing loss. This time its cake I knew what to do where to go and how and who to get answers from! Kiley is 7 months old and wears hearing aids just like her big bro Ethan who is now 2 1/2!! All of my kids attend this school and are progressing wonderfully! Our family size is complete - I took care of that!!
I hurt so much over Ethan because I wish I would have known all my rights, what to do who to go to. I feel like I failed him in some ways due to me not knowing what to do....