Emotions running HIGH!!

Kids are back to school and Kiley's first birthday is 2 days away....my heart is screaming!! For the past month i have been a cry baby! I don't know whats up! I've been hurting so much over my children's hearing loss.....I think it has a lot to do with Ethan's transition to a new class and watching Kiley's (Charlie as the family calls her) language improve.. You would think all this would make me happy and it does...but in a crazy way it also makes me upset...I am this control freak who has to have everything her way and I have NO CONTROL over this....I cant make it better with a kiss and I can't give them medicine to cure it. Everyone wants nothing but the best for their children and most of us do everything in our power to give them the tools to accomplish this...But, imagine not having the tools to give them or having to give up your entire life to find the tools that will better serve them....This all seems petty I'm sure, but I'm exhausted and I feel like a failure because I had great potential to be something they could look up to....I mean i look back on my life and I think to myself man I hope my kids have that drive I had and in some ways I still have..I'm still in college and I want to get a masters but at this time that's not financially feasible.

When we have children we want to give them in my case everything we didn't have and so much more! But we live off one income and we rent a town home that my family is outgrowing rather fast, I have a car that we pay way too much for and on top of that 3 children 2 of whom need hearing aids and all the expenses that comes with hearing loss. Its depressing when I have to make the decision do I buy gas for school the next day or do I buy milk....its frustrating!


I have been crying so much and I can't explain it to anyone because after all like my father says "it's just a hearing loss ...its not life threatening and just think they could be born with out one of their limbs" Who says this?? People who know Nothing about hearing loss and how difficult (not impossible) it is for ppl with hearing loss to become "successful." It's kinda like THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!! stomp my feet and throw a tantrum! Oh the joys of motherhood!